How to pursue a Discipling relationship

Article originally by Aubrey Coleman, The Gospel Coalition

Last summer at a book club I held in my home, women in my church from different stages of life met to read and discuss a Christian book together. This group typically stayed late to continue talking and asking questions. We rejoiced at the stories of God’s faithfulness in one another’s lives. We encouraged and spurred one another on through difficulties. We sought mutual counsel and wisdom and pointed each other to Scripture.

Moments like these remind me of the treasure trove found in discipling relationships. The Christian life comes with questions. Those questions change through different seasons of our lives, and we need help from those who have walked before us. God didn’t intend for us to walk alone.

Though most of us would acknowledge the importance of discipleship, we often struggle to find and pursue those relationships in our own lives. As we think about someone in our church who might help us walk faithfully, obediently, and humbly with God, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Who Is Faithful?

When considering meeting up with someone, simply ask yourself, Is she faithful? Referencing Titus 2:1–7 is a great foundation for understanding what faithfulness looks like. Is she a member of my church? Does she serve faithfully in her season of life? Does she show up when she says she will? Does she encourage others? Does she love God’s Word?

Though most of us would acknowledge the importance of discipleship, we often struggle to find and pursue those relationships in our own lives.

You should be able to quickly identify faithful men and women in your church. If you’re having trouble discerning, ask your elders and pastors to recommend faithful saints you can reach out to.

Whom Do I Connect Easily With?

Among the many faithful, whom do you connect with? You may have a great connection with someone instantly. In some situations, you will naturally serve alongside other men and women who are already making a spiritual investment in you. Discipleship can certainly happen organically, but we can’t always expect it to happen that way. It may take more time and effort. It might even look a bit like taking someone on a date! Don’t be hesitant. Invite someone out to coffee and get to know her.

Were you encouraged by your conversation? Do you desire to learn from her? Is it easy to share your life with her? Is it easy to have spiritual conversations?

Just Ask

We may try to overcomplicate it, overthink it, or wait around to be sought out, but there’s no need to formulate a paragraph text or come up with an elaborate discipleship proposal. Just ask! If anyone comes to me discouraged about a lack of discipling relationships, I first ask: “Have you initiated with anyone?” More likely than not, when we reach out to others, they are encouraged by our pursuit. It is deeply rewarding and humbling to be asked to disciple someone.

Discipleship shouldn’t be an exclusive relationship among a few people but a normal pursuit among all members.

This doesn’t mean everyone will be able to say yes, but that is the beauty of pursuing more than one discipling relationship. Our dependency for accountability shouldn’t rest on one person, but many members. If you’re a member of a church, you have committed yourselves to build up one another in the faith. Therefore, discipleship shouldn’t be an exclusive relationship among a few people but a normal pursuit among all members of the church.

Right Expectations

Discipleship doesn’t always look the same. It may mean meeting weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, or whenever both of your schedules allow. It may look like reading through a book of the Bible, doing a study together, reading a book together, praying together, or just meeting to share your life and encourage one another. Life-on-life discipleship is literally stepping into the life of another—the sweet parts, the hard parts, and everything in between.

Discipleship is a commitment to meet people where they are with gospel-saturated truth, grace, and friendship. It may look like sitting in a coffee shop, going for a walk, or joining them for dinner. But sometimes, “meeting them where they are” means squeezing it into life’s less peaceful moments. You may talk at a child’s soccer game, over the phone after you’ve had to cancel your time together, while carpooling, or as you’re doing a home-improvement project together.

We need realistic expectations in our discipleship relationships. The actual shape of the relationship doesn’t matter so much as a committed desire to encourage one another in the faith.

Discipleship Is A Joy And Privilege

The women who invested their time in my early years as a new believer helped me to mature in the faith and taught me to practice important spiritual disciplines. Their lives looked a lot like the older woman in the Titus 2 passage: reverent in behavior, not gossipers, not drinking excessively, teaching what is good, encouraging the young women to love their husbands and their children. Even today, I continue to seek out relationships with older women because I need their wisdom in my life.

I will never outgrow the need for discipleship, nor will I outgrow the command to disciple.

Additionally, I have found it to be a great and humbling gift to encourage and equip newer and younger believers in their faith. Discipling others demands I live as a Titus 2 woman. In doing so, I have been used by God to strengthen others in their faith, and I have been deeply encouraged and challenged in my own! I will never outgrow the need for discipleship, nor will I outgrow the command to disciple.

It’s both a privilege and a joy to know that God is making us like his Son. And it is his tender and loving gesture to give us help along the way.